re: time

I am never content in this time and space quantum.

I want to be a child again. I want to be joyful for no reason at all, and curious for no reason other than curiosity itself and have time to be me and to be free. I want someone to take responsibility for me when I hurt myself.

I want to be an adult. I am impatient to start my own family. I crave the freedom of deciding where to live   and the opportunity to create a life that is so unique to me that it could be nobody’s but mine own.

I’m not sure if I want to grow up.

I am caught between two worlds. I long to be in a relationship, to be known in an intimate way, but I appreciate the freedom of singleness. I want to independent, but I need advice and support. I will always be dependent, but I want freedom to explore the world. I make decisions about my future, but I need validity that they are the right ones.

I want to change who I am. I have ideals and aspirations of the person I should be and the person who is me admist the lies of the world. Is my identity dependent on my conception of time? In heaven will I be the truest of myself? Am I a dot on a line graph, moving from point A to point B, morphing into someone I will barely recognize? Or am I a wave, a multifacted identity constast, but constnatly changing?

I finally figure things out, but it seems that I am always a bit too late. I find friends, but they drift and come. No one stays, with or for me. I understand my family, but then I move away. I discover that I love someone, but they move on. He likes me, but there’s someone else in my life. I figure out the truth, but it’s too late.

Who am I? Will I ever be me, in this earth, in this body? What is man without a body? Who did God create me to be, and is it my body, heart, soul or mind that matters in the end?

Can I be happy in the present? Can I stop striving for the future and lamenting the past? I continually attempt to overcome my weaknesses because of shame in the past. I live in the past, and the past drives my striving for the future. But I don’t live. I never live. I have lived and will live. I am confined by the instant of the moment, and live in the dreams of others and the dreams of the past, but I don’t live present.

I want to breathe dreams like air. I want to drink the salubrity of the sky. I want to hear the music of the spheres.

Lord, teach me how to live.