re: justice

One thing that I’ve been struggling with lately is the idea of God’s favor. A friend told me a few nights ago that I have God’s favor. In some people’s lives, it is so evident that God is at work and He is overwhelmingly good. And God has been so faithful to me throughout the years. Overwhelming, unfathomably, increasingly, faithful and good to me.

Me. Boring, selfish, proud, hypocritcal, hyperanalytical, full of sin, me.

His mercies are truly new to me every day. There are gifts that manifest themselves in their lives that do not make sense and are not merited and He is the only one I see. He is always with me and has given me life, life to the abundance.

He has planted me in a land of abundance and in a community where love overflows, comforts surround, and I prosper. He has brought the sweetest people into my life who speak about such things to speak His wisdom into my heart. He has given me a desire to live well, more fully and more deeply. He has blessed me beyond imagination and I have everything I need and more. He answers me when I calls and speaks into my heart when I asks.

And I am proud. I think that His blessings are a result of something I have done. They must be a result of who I am, or because I am special or holy. But the reality is, I am quite unextraordinary. I am despicable in my sin. I do not have control over my actions. My sins are too great to count. I give up on Him daily– several times a day.

Why would He be so good as to bless me more? Why does He bless me until my cup overflows? He is so good to me, and I can do nothing. I cannot even love Him faithfully. I have betrayed His trust so many times and I am simply overwhelmed at the thought that I cannot even ask for forgiveness.

And I do not trust that He will give me more. He has already given me more than enough and more than I could ever deserve. How can I live with a debt so great? It is one that I can never repay, even if devoted my whole heart and eternity to it?

I am embarrassed because of His goodness when I should be rejoicing and leaping with joy. I cannot share my joy with others from fear that I am bragging. Am I? Or am I perpetually jealous of others who are wise, who are beautiful, who are godly?

God blesses us for a reason. Perhaps it is a testament to His goodness. Perhaps my life is an example of how God gives good things. Perhaps that is why I exist– to share the goodness of God that it is better than life itself.

Or perhaps I will bless others with the blessings He has given me. He, in His goodness, will show me His plan, as it unfolds in His timing.

I will trust that His plan is better than I can imagine. I will be content in Him, taking joy in His blessings and loving others with the joy He gives. I will be content in who He created to me, learning how to play the instrument to His glory that He created me to be to resound throughout the universe.

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