reflections on rest

Father, I come to You today broken. Broken and shattered in my identity of who I thought I was.

Most times, I do not see the ways Your grace has carried me through and the abundance of mercies that are too great for my mind to fathom.

I cannot to understand the goodness that you have provided. You have given me an a portion too large for me to take of; i will praise your name as long as i have breath in my lungs.

You have given me the breath in my lungs. You have given me peace in my heart. You have given me glimpses of your goodness.

Then, why? Why do I forget your promises? Why do i forget how good it is to gaze upon your beauty in silence? Why do I never understand that your rest is essential for me?

You tell me to stop. You tell me to slow down. Over and over again.

I am on treadmill, moving faster and faster, pushing myself so I will finish what I started on my own terms and my own time and my own strength. But I am not moving anywhere. I do not see the masses infront of me or behind me. I do not allow myself to rest in Your Word which will give me strength. I am not seeing Your glory transcend the world around me.

I look at others’ lives and see how blessed they are. How blessed You have made them and how much grace You have given. And I become jealous of how You were present in their lives and how smart they are and how spiritual and beautiful and fit and talented they are.

And then I stop. And I feel ashamed. Ashamed because You have blessed me beyond measure. You have surpassed my dreams and I am living the dream and the will you have for me. And I should do nothing but rejoice. REJOICE.

Jesus, wash over me with shalom. Someone will always be better than me. Your measuring stick of grace and goodness is not the same.

You are perfect and perfect in Your love and wisdom. Never has there been a time in which I have lacked a thing. Not once have I been hungry or thirsty or without love or without home. You have been releentless in love , overbounding in mercy and patient with my sin. You keep perusing me, over and over again more than I deserve. And although I mess up- one thousand times over, You give me the chance to be good over and over again.

Even when I am cold, You choose to melt my heart. So now, teach me. I am foolish for not trusting you. Only spending time with you will satisy this hunger and this thirst and this insatiability and unsatisfaction. Teach me Lord and grant me patience and hunger to extend my hand out toward you. For I know You will hold me.

 

 

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